Chapter 360: Trauma [1]

A pair of eyes watched him from the void. They had been watching ever since the start.

The owner of those eyes desperately wanted to look away. He wished he didn't have to view the scenes he was viewing.

But he couldn't. No, he wouldn't.

He knew it in his heart. These scenes were something he needed to witness. If he turned away now, he would be no different than the pathetic man that tried to kill himself after only a few days of hardship.

No, he couldn't think of it like that. That was part of the problem.

The man who had entered the dungeon was no different than a normal person. For him to not go insane and not die in those days before his mutation was an incredible achievement, even with all the luck that went into helping him do so.

Discounting that achievement was something he would no longer do.

He didn't remember.

The scenes he was being shown, he didn't remember them.

The way he remembered things was nothing like what he was watching.

It was humiliating seeing this new version of events.

But he knew. This version of events was the truth behind what happened. What he didn't remember, it was suppressed by his own subconscious.

The man who forgot his name, the one who stood in the plains of Apeiron, he reached out to the void. He called out to the man who was watching him.

So the man in the void sighed. He exited his hiding place and appeared before the one calling out to him.

The one who forgot his name was in shock. Seeing the thing he was reaching out for, seeing the answer to the questions he had, he didn't know what to say.

So the man in the void spoke instead. He spoke with a detached smile on his face.

"I know what you're thinking. Yes, you are me, but I am not you. In a sense, we are two different people."

The man from the void didn't wait for his counterpart's response. He spoke as if he alone was in this world.

"I didn't remember it at all. When I think back to those days, the scenes I see are extremely different. Some stuff is the same, the blood world, meeting Zara, I remember all those things. But it's the thought process, the inner workings of my mind at the time that I had forgotten.

"Perhaps I subconsciously suppressed those memories. It's the same for the memories of those first 5 days...that pathetic version of myself, and even the version of myself that had descended into madness, I locked them all away.

"It was a coping mechanism. If I allowed those memories to stay, what would I have become? It seems my brain decided that it was too much. For the sake of returning my humanity, everything I didn't want to remember was thrown away.

"But what did that do to me? I have to admit that due to that, I was indeed able to return to society, but I can't say it was all for the best. Those memories, the trauma associated with them, caused many problems that I still to this day am working to solve.

"At least I know that my insanity was quelled for the most part. That thirst for blood that you have right now...it doesn't act up very often. It's shown itself a few times in the past few years, but it's insignificant in the grand scheme of things.

"But even without that insanity, I feared myself. I subconsciously feared the side of me that had forsaken humanity, the side of me that would've devoured a human if it meant tasting new stimulation.

"And while fearing that side of me, I was also incredibly ashamed of the pathetic side of me that was showcased in those first 5 days. Because in the deep recesses of my heart, maybe I believed that I was still that pathetic person."

The man from the void looked at the sky. He didn't realize that the man who forgot his name was slowly fading.

"Due to my insecurities and my fear, I mainly caused problems for myself. But Rose also bore a great deal of that insecurity. Even though I boldly took her as my woman, I never treated her as such. But that's something I've been regretting for a long time now.

"It was only now, after seeing my old memories again, that I realized I had wronged somebody else even more."

Elena.

Before he was stranded in the dungeon, he held feelings for her that he repressed due to their social situation and his own family situation.

However, upon being forced to endure the psychological torture that the dungeon's atmosphere had on an ordinary person, his mindset became chaotic.

He resented her.

Even in the memories he was shown, his resentment wasn't portrayed as much as it should've been.

Most likely because it had been suppressed even at that time, only existing in the deep recesses of his mind.

But it still existed. It didn't go away just because he didn't think about it.

In fact, every time he thought of his hatred for Jin back then, his hatred for Elena grew as well.

It wasn't even a conscious thing. If he had control over it, he would've put a stop to it immediately.

But he didn't, so it kept growing.

That immature part of him that wanted to push all the blame onto someone else, it chose Elena as the receiver of his misguided grudge.

He hates himself for doing that. But it was all in the past. He didn't have the ability to change it.

When he entered the Eternal Secret Realm and went through that illusion trial on Godspark Mountain, he was able to experience a timeline where the world didn't change, where he and Elena could grow their childhood love into something real.

It was only at that time that his subconscious hatred was assuaged slightly.

So when he met her again on earth, he was able to talk to her like he did before. He was able to treat her as a friend.

But because of his subconscious grudge, he wasn't able to feel the same love for her that he once did.

He was reminded of it during that illusion trial, but he couldn't feel it himself. The only "love" he felt towards Elena was towards the version of her in that trial.

So he neglected her.

He ignored her feelings and continued acting as her best friend.

It was a cruel thing to do.

He thought it was because he was still sorting out his feelings for her, but he only now knew the real reason.

It was the immense guilt and regret he felt because of how he used to think of her in the dungeon. That subconscious hatred for her and the hatred for himself because he thought of her like that.

He couldn't fix it though.

Because he simply didn't know.

He could go and say that it wasn't his fault because of this. He could find a number of excuses to justify his actions towards her.

But he wasn't going to do that.

He accepted it fully.

He was a scumbag. A scumbag who had walked over his best friend's feelings and treated them like they were worthless.

Maybe he didn't even deserve Elena anymore.

But he didn't care.

There was only one way he could make it up to her. He resolved himself the second he came to the realization.

Elena was his woman. Regardless of what others said, regardless of anything else, she would be his woman. And he would right his wrongs by giving her the world.

No, even the world was too small.

If she so wished it, he would conquer this entire universe and gift it to her on a silver platter.

Just to prove his sincerity.