Chapter 526.4: Slapstick Side Story 4 Strange Ecology

Translator: Nat

-Aegir POV-

「A rare document found in the south is going to be auctioned, Do you mind lending me some money?」

Head-helmina tilts her chin and bows to me on a chair.

I still don't understand how a severed head can move so nimbly.

「I guess not, since it's not a very large sum.」

I'll give you a few more coins than you requested.

「Good man.」

Head-helmina stores the gold coins in her hair and bows again.

「I'll pay you back with interest in about a month.」

「I'm not expecting you to pay me back, but how are you going to do it?」

I'm more interested in the method a severed head will use to earn money.

I hit the table after I ask as an idea pops into my mind.

「Are you going to ask a pervert to let you give head!?」

「You're not very smart, are you.」

Head-helmina draws a line and a letter on a paper she pulls out of nowhere.

「I'm glad that you can trade futures in Rafen. As expected of the central hub of the grain trade in the east.」

She explained how it's about trading grain before harvest, but I don't really get it.

「The price of soybeans is expected to soar due to the shortage of food, but since the city states are producing a bumper crop and the soybean fields in our territory are almost unscathed by the war, the price is expected to drop significantly with the harvest. Then, if you sell big......」

「Enough. You're going to the auction, right?」

Head-helmina mutters in confirmation and rolls to the door.

Tikuku suddenly appears at the door, picks up the head and puts it in between her shoulders like it's the most natural thing.

「Temporary union, commencing. Exposing wire.」

「I'll extend a tentacle too.」

Nerves and wires wiggle out from the bottom and top of Head-helmina and Tikuku respectively, tangle together and fix in place.

「Is it going to stick......」

The head would fall off if it was simply resting on top and that would certainly cause a fuss in public...... but is joining like that a good idea?

Tikuku nods.

「Confirmation of a chemical enzyme secreted by the tentacle. However it has no effect on a non-living being like me.」

「Erosion occurs regardless of my will when fusing. To avoid suspicion, I won't join with anyone except Tikuku.」

That sounds dangerous.

What is it like?

「A drug-like substance comes out of the tentacles. For example, it can magnify sexual sensitivity by a hundred times or――」

She fills a cup with the strange fluid dripping from her tentacle and passes it to me.

Careful now. If I ejaculate because of the increased sensitivity, everyone will think I'm a pervert.

「It can also make limited modifications to the body. Physical functions can be improved and regeneration is possible, for example that scar on your neck can be healed.」

Head-helmina stretches out a tentacle and stabs a needle-like tip into my neck.

The spot on my neck gradually warms up and the scar......

「It's not healing.」

「Mu?」

Head-helmina tilts her head dubiously.

「I thought it was a dangerous ability, but I guess it's nothing special. Alright, you better get going before the auction starts.」

I watch the two leave carrying a bag in hand.

They're quite in-sync despite being connected by such an unusual method. Nobody would think the head and body are separate entities.

「Look out!」

A child's shout accompanies a ball of cloth that rolls toward the two.

It seems the children who were playing ball accidentally missed the mark with their throw.

「Supplementing ballistics. Defending.」

Tikuku stops in place, measures the distance and swings her hand at the ball.

「Fungya!」

Her swing whiffs and the ball hits Head-helmina square on her forehead.

「Correcting error――complete. Success rate of intercepting next projectile, 99.95%」

「Kuh, a second one's not coming.」

Tikuku's forehead always seems to get hit no matter what.

While I'm cackling away, a commotion breaks out in the guardroom.

「Bandits are attacking in the southeast. It seems they already took down a peddler.」

「Nearby guards are already on the move. I didn't think somebody would be foolish enough to attack Rafen......as a precaution, increase the number of guards stationed at the city walls.」

「Should we report to Adolph-sama first? Or Leopolt-sama?」

「No, me.」

I grab the soldier's head.

Bandits don't appear around Rafen too often.

I just happen to be free though. Let me teach them a lesson.

The site was merely 30 minutes away from Rafen riding on Schwartz.

「My, if it isn't the feudal lord-sama! I wasn't expecting you to come personally!」

A company of guards have already arrived.

Rafen's perimeters were always inconvenient for bandits, being tightly patrolled and having many guard posts.

「What's the situation?」

「Three peddlers were attacked, two who had their goods stolen and the other was kidnapped entirely. According to witnesses, there were six of them. They are on foot and fully armed. Barely before we got here, they fled.」

Two carriages are overturned and men are scattered on the ground in the vicinity, groaning and bleeding.

「It doesn't look like anyone has died. Carry them to Rafen.」

「Sir, but we have to chase.」

I observe the surrounding terrain.

Ah, there is a forest hidden in the ups and downs of the highway that is perfect for ambushes.

On the other hand, the forest is not very dense and light can still shine through.

While a quick ambush will work, there are not enough trees to hide them from a search by the guards......this is the south.

North is out of the question because they would be spotted climbing the hills.

There are small farming villages to the west, but they have guards. Approaching with only six people is no easy task.

A stream lies to the east. Although visibility seems clear at first glance, there are rows of one-meter tall reeds that can provide cover if you crouch.

I kick Schwartz in the belly and advance forward.

「Wait, feudal lord-sama! Why are you charging in by yourself!?」

The stream comes into view within five minutes.

As I thought, the reeds are too thick for me to tell if anything is hiding behind them.

「I'm certain they're here.」

I see blood on some of the reeds.

With the bandits undoubtedly lurking, I'm not going to walk the edges and poke at them with a stick.

I raise my sword and yell.

「Guards, light it on fire!」

All of a sudden, someone screams and six heads emerge from the reeds.

「Over there, huh?」

Schwartz runs before words could leave my mouth.

「S-stay away! I'll kill the merchants!」

The bandit holds a sword up against an injured man who is in his prime.

Beside them is a similarly aged woman with blood trickling from her arm, probably the man's wife.

Last is a little girl......who has fallen with a sword in her stomach.

「You fiend.」

I throw my Dual Crater at him in mid gallop.

My sword whizzes through the air and sinks into the face of the man holding the sword.

「How dare you......geh, Hardlett!?」

The man makes eye contact with me and freezes.

Schwartz leaps and knocks the man to the ground with his front legs, then crushes the man's head like he would a dead tree branch.

I simultaneously pull my sword out from the standing and convulsing man's face, then slice down the shoulder of another dumbfounded bandit.

Only a few seconds passed.

I don't give the enemies any time to respond.

「War demon Hardlett, I heard he was the feudal lord of the south, but that was here? Dang, how unlucky! You got me! I surrender!」

The remaining three lift their hands up and drop their weapons.

「Okay.」

I nod, then split the fourth bandit's head in half.

「W-why......」

「You're free to surrender, but I didn't say I was going to spare you.」

Devils who would pierce a girl's stomach with a sword don't deserve mercy.

That line caused the fifth and sixth bandit to fall on their asses.

When the cloth shielding their faces slid down, I discovered they were both female.

I won't kill them.

「Are you alive?」

I call out to the merchant.

「We were only cut in the shoulder and arm. But our daughter......!」

I dismount Schwartz and check on the girl's injuries.

「She's lucky. The sword missed her vitals. She's lost a lot of blood, but she'll make it.」

I pick up the girl and rest her on Schwartz, who gives me a look saying he understands and then dashes off to the city.

This is the fastest way to get her help. With his speed, a doctor can tend to her before it's too late.

With that taken care of, I grab the heads of the two women trying to sneak away.

「I don't want to hurt women, but I might have to make an exception considering you stabbed a girl.」

I bring my face close to theirs, almost to the point of touching, and smile.

「You better answer me promptly while I'm still smiling.」

The two female bandits nod eagerly with tears in their eyes.

According to what I could gather, the six of them were making a living as mercenaries.

During wartime they fought in Libatis, South Yuguria, and Goldonia, switching to whatever camp seemed favorable.

When the war ended and their income diminished, they headed to Zwei Elfie after hearing about good job opportunities.

However, they saw a caravan of fully-packed merchants on the way and thought it would be easy to steal.

It's no wonder how skilled they are, considering their main occupations.

But they must not have been familiar with the area.

If they were more knowledgeable, they would have veered off to the south or the north and avoided Rafen.

「For that reason, our daughter――uugh.」

The woman gets too excited and causes her hand to bleed more.

「Stay still until Schwartz returns. Don't worry about compensation either, it was my inadequacy that led to your encounter with bandits.」

I strip the female bandits of their armor and topple them to the ground.

「I will let you live, but your sin is heavy. First I'm going to punish you with my cock. Got it?」

Both of them tremble but obediently spread their legs.

「I know I can't win against you. I will accept the punishment, please spare me......」

「I'll do anything you say, so let me off lightly......」

I position myself in between the legs of the woman on the right side and lower my pants.

「Mu?」

After a slight sense of discomfort, my cock pops out with the same whoosh of wind made from the giant swing of a war hammer.

「Eh!? Why is there a pillar here?」

The merchant woman couldn't help shouting in disbelief.

I know I'm big.

But this is odd even for me. Right now my dick is easily over one meter long.

No matter how aroused I am, this size is impossible.

「Is it because of that thing Head-helmina did?」

This must be due to that prick in my neck.

That substance meant to heal my scar must have circulated in my blood and accumulated in my penis to enlarge it to this extent.

「It doesn't change what I'm going to do though. I'm still going to punish you.」

I push the tip of my one-meter erection against her hole.

「Wait, there's no way it will fit! That thing is thicker than my head! And there are thorns poking out from the shaft......nooooo, monsterrrrr!! Ah......ah......ah......aaaaaaaaaaah!!」

As I insert my manhood into the first girl, I splash the other girl who was secretly trying to escape with the fluid in a canteen.

The fluid is one that multiplies sensitivity by a hundred times.

「What's this, my entire body is feeling hot......I'm getting turned on from just the wind! Ah, an earthworm......don't come near me, don't touch me! Don't crawl on my leg―― ggh, cumminnngg!!」

She writhes on the ground, twitching from the intense climax.

Lots of things went wrong, but at least I was able to punish them harshly.

The merchants who suffered a loss from this incident should also be content with the result.

「Gulp......incredible.」

「Heeey, answer me......perhaps you are not satisfied with normal sex? Are you unhappy with my dick?」

「I'm being torn apart down there! Eh, it feels like something is coming out from the tip......a tentacle came out! This guy isn't human!」

「The reeds are coiling around me because of the wind......I'm going to cum to death!」

Well, that takes care of things.

The two female bandits are literally sinking in a sea of bodily fluids.

My dick is also back to normal. As for the tentacle and thorns I thought I saw, it should be nothing to worry about seeing as they're gone now.

「I understand your hatred for these two after your daughter was injured. But since I punished time, can you leave the rest to me?」

「Alright. Are those two alive though?」

I pick up one of the women lying in a puddle of my semen.

「I love big dicks......fuck me more......it doesn't matter if my stomach breaks or if I die, stick it in......」

I grab the other one submerged in her own juices.

「Your hand is gonna make me......cum. Petting my head is gonna make me......cum! Holding me like that......cumminnnggg!!」

She's squirting repeatedly, but she's still breathing.

Oh, Schwartz is back.

There is someone riding on him.

「I was asked to help that kid......but what's this about calling a proud elf?」

It's Felteris.

Another annoying problem presents itself.

Felteris sees the two covered in fluids and exclaims in astonishment.

「Her hole looks to be stretched by roughly a one-meter long object......not to mention it is something with thorns and warts. Who is the one who has such an absurd penis!? With the honor of an elf on the line, I will face that monster and bring justice to it. Now come, introduce yourself.」

Don't take off your underwear while trying to act cool.

Load the injured people on and go back.

Their daughter is not fatally injured, but I'm sure they are worried.

At night on the same day.

「Fumu fumu.」

Celia is starting at a familiar sheet of paper with a line and a set of numbers on it.

「The shortage of food on the plains is evident. If that is the case, soybeans, which have been rising at a slower rate, should rise even more from here...... I'll do as much as I can to improve Aegir-sama's finances.」

「I don't really get it, but do it in moderation.」

Something in the corner of my mind is bugging me, but it's probably not too important.

Protagonist: Aegir Hardlett. 25 years old. Winter.

Status: Goldonia Kingdom Margrave. Great Feudal Lord of Eastern Area. Mountain Legend.

Friend of the Dwarves. Friend of the King of Aless. Dragon Slayer Hero.

Elf Mediator. Sex King of White City. Mad Demon God. Poison Resistance.

Appears in the present story:

T-99 (restrictive union), Head-helmina (short position), Celia (long position), Schwartz (ambulance)

Territory Population

Total: 364 000

Rafen: 46 000 (+500), Lintbloom: 9 000 (-500) Wartime Production, Disbanding

Richemott (former Libatis): 30 000, Zwei Elfie: 800 (+300) Increase of scoundrels

Army

Personnel: Infantry: 1000, Cavalry: 500, Escort: 30

Armaments: Cannons: 30, Large Cannons: 15, Dwarven Cannons: 15, Field Artillery: 9, Chariots: 30

Assets: -320 500 gold (gold ore medium + 15 000), caravan compensation (-500)

Sexual Partners: 811

Children who have been born: 70 + 567

Current Location: Rafen