Chapter 376: What if

Sparks started flying around them as they gazed into each other's eyes. The intensity in air skyrocketed as everything around them disappeared. There was nothing else and no one else in the world but the two of them. The air seemed to stop, as if it too was waiting for Alex's reaction at Abi's words.

Alex was dumbstruck at what his little lamb just said. Was he dreaming? He felt like pinching himself to confirm whether this was actually happening, to make sure his mind wasn't playing tricks on him. This little lamb who had been playing hard-to-get just yesterday was now saying this? And even after everything he had done to her a few hours ago?

He didn't break away from her gaze. He was too mesmerised, as if she had actually hypnotised him with those clear, clear eyes. Why did she look like that? Why was she looking at him the way he looked at her? As if he too, was her life? As if her world also revolved around him?

Alex eventually closed his eyes and he tried to digest everything that was happening. This moment was just too good to be true. He never thought this moment would ever happen. Even though he had sworn to make this woman fall for him, he knew that it wouldn't be easy. In fact, the thought that it might be close to impossible, because she was the loveliest angel he ever saw and he was... an evil creature, not worthy for anyone's love.

She had witnessed what kind of a monster he was and had even become one of his victims. So why? Why was she saying all this? Why now? Was this actually real or did that witch cast some spell on him to stop him from going berserk again?

But Alex knew this wasn't a spell or a hallucination. Even though it was very hard for him to believe it, he knew that this was reality. She was really here, next to him and she really did say those words. However, as much as he was overjoyed at her words, that image of him choking her appeared in his head. That scene had become a recurring nightmare, a nightmare that he would never wake up from. He couldn't say it out loud but... fear had started to creep into his heart; the fear that he might do it again.

As he thought more about it, Alex remembered his very own soldiers and family and allies who died by his own hands. What if... in the end... he would also be the one to take the life of the only person he ever cared about?

The desire in his eyes was replaced with darkness. He never once thought about this in his existence. He never once loathed his powers.

"Abigail..." he uttered her name. "Shouldn't you be punishing me right now for hurting you?" he asked her and Abi immediately saw the extent of how much this was affecting him. She realized how deep the damage went and what it cost him. She would be lying if she said she fully understood what he felt because she didn't. But if she was in his shoes and she was the one who hurt him even if it wasn't intentional, she would also feel utterly guilty and sorry.

"No matter how much I justify it, I can never change the fact that I still did that to you, Abigail. And the guilt will never leave as long as I am unable to forgive myself. So... please don't treat me like this just after I hurt you. Make me regret what I've done. Punish me until you're satisfied. I don't know if this guilt will go away even after that but I just don't deserve to be treated well by you right now," he told her, his tone grave and serious.

He was desperately trying to find a way for him to lessen the guilt that ate at him and getting this kind of treatment from her was making him feel even worse. He didn't deserve this. He deserved the complete opposite of what she was showing him. He needed to face the harsh consequences of his actions so that maybe that way, if and when he lost himself to his inner demon again, his body might remember this lesson. The reason behind these thoughts was that Alex knew that he could not stop himself from going berserk, but he knew that his body would at least remember. It was a form of muscle memory. Even if his brain was hazy, his body might be able to remember. Way back then, his body also learned to recognize his own soldiers when he asked his dead men's family to vent their anger on him.

He was used to sacrificing his men in the many battles they fought but that one time, he was the one who killed them. Back then, he was more demonic than his current self. At that time, he went berserk and he had killed some of his closest allies and many more who were loyal to him ever since he was a child. They were there for him after he was cast out from his family. Back then, he didn't feel the same level of fear and guilt that he felt when he realised he had hurt Abigail, but he did feel the need to atone by punishing himself. That was why he asked his closest men's family to stab him and cut him and hurt him until they were satisfied. Some of them cried when they stabbed and slashed him but they all went up and took their turn, one after another, because he had ordered them to do so. Somehow, after that punishment, his body learned to differentiate between his own men and his enemies.

After many years, when all his remaining men had died, his body no longer had anyone to recognize. He left his throne and left the country on his own. He didn't play at war anymore. He didn't have an army. He didn't have allies. All he had was himself because it was better that way. Because of that, he never had to do this again. All he did now was warn the good vampires to run for their lives if they saw him start to go berserk. Even the Reign family, whom he vowed to protect, were not an exemption when he was in that state.