Chapter 267: Honoria's Diary

The giant oak doors of the bedroom shut behind the white-haired Princess, where she proceeded to latch them. Honoria had a broad smile on her pretty face, she had just returned home after a long journey, and she had big plans for tomorrow. The young woman held her chest as she thought about tomorrow; she could feel butterflies within her heart.

After taking a few moments to calm herself, Honoria pulled out a large, leatherbound book from within her pouch. This book was chestnut in color and had a strap around it that was secured with a lock. After reaching further into her bag and finding the key, she unlocked it before placing it down upon her desk that had gathered dust in her absence.

After unbuckling the book, the Princess gazed upon its contents. Since her arrival in Kufstein over a year ago, she had begun to keep a diary that contained her daily events. As such, she began to flip through the pages reading through her past experiences while living under Berengar's roof.

Some of these made her smile, and others made her frown; it had been quite the emotional journey while staying in Kufstein. After flipping through the initial pages, she found herself reading about her experience shortly after Adela's fourteenth birthday party. The journal entry read as follows.

September 10th, 1418. I awoke in the morning to find myself with a splitting headache. I had far too much wine to drink last night. I don't remember my actions from the night prior, but Berengar began glaring at me since the moment he first saw me.

I had a relaxed breakfast alongside Berengar and the other guests who stayed within the Castle of Graz, which I vomited up shortly after; note to self greasy food does not settle well with a hungover stomach.

Later in the afternoon, Berengar visited me and chastised me for my behavior the night before. Though I do not remember behaving in such a manner, I was slightly violent with him out of jealousy towards the attention he showed to the other girls. It serves him right; he doesn't notice me enough! Am I not worthy of his praise?

Upon reading this entry, Honoria smiled bitterly, to think even back then, she was having problems with her relationship with Berengar. Not wanting to dwell on the topic, she quickly flipped through her pages to find the following passage of interest.

October 5th, 1418. I have been learning to sail for some time now and have gotten quite good at it! Berengar has even promised to take me to Istria in the summer so that I can learn to sail on the sea! I am so excited I can hardly wait!

After going through my daily sailing training, Berengar has given me a new task; he wants me to learn how to shoot and wield a sword to defend myself properly. I am not sure how good I will be at the task, but it makes sense. After all, some of the sailors have been eying me with ill intent.

If not for fear of what Berengar might do to them, I dread the idea of what might happen to me. Luckily Berengar wields enough respect that they seem to contain their lecherous nature. Then again, is it respect or fear that drives these men to behave themselves? I suppose I should ask around and see what the people under Berengar's rule think of him.

Honoria fondly gazed upon this specific entry; it was one of the many moments Berengar had shown that he cared for the girl. However, the good times had lasted for such a short period. The beautiful young Princess shook her head of such thoughts before flipping the page and moving on to the following central point in her diary.

October 15th, 1418. Today is Linde's birthday, and Berengar has spent the entire day with Linde and their son Hans. The little tyke is so adorable; I wonder if I can have a son as cute as him one day. Wouldn't it be great if he looked like Berengar? What am I saying?

It is now past noon, and Berengar has barely spoken to me; instead, he and Linde have spent the last few hours locked away in their room. I think they are having sex; I don't know why but that makes me so jealous! I know I shouldn't be thinking such things, but every time I walk by their room and hear Linde's pleasurable moans, I can't help but think what it would be like if I were in her position!

Evening came, and at dinner, Linde announced she was pregnant, not only to Berengar but all of the guests who came to visit. Her birthday is a big deal since she is Berengar's lover; even Adela and her family arrived. I am certain that his little fiancee appeared just as envious as I was when she heard the news. Berengar seemed so happy that it made me bitter. I wonder how he would react if I were to carry his child?

After reading this, Honoria began to smile bitterly as she quickly flipped the page, looking for another entry to read. The more she read, the more she had come to regret her actions that had led to her current predicament. As such, she read the next entry with tears in her eyes as she struggled to prevent them from dropping onto the diary and staining the page and its contents.

November 23rd, 1418. Today is my birthday, and I celebrated it alone. I don't know why I did not tell anyone about it. Maybe because I feared that such information could lead to Berengar figuring out my identity.

If he learned that I am the Princess of the Byzantine Empire would he send me home? I don't know if I would be able to live without the support he has given me. To go back home and marry that gay prince, I think I would rather die.

Honoria quickly flipped the page after reading that; she was delighted that she was still in Kufstein, despite everything that had happened; as such, there was no point dwelling on the past. The following few pages contained nothing of significance, and as such, the girl flipped to another entry of interest.

December 25th, 1418. Today is Christmas; a few days ago was Berengar's birthday, and though there was a large celebration, nothing of interest happened. Even though the House comprises nothing more than Berengar, Henrietta, Linde, Hans, and Myself, I had a wonderful time.

I even managed to spend some alone time with Berengar; it seems that the days where he interacts with me are starting to become less frequent. I think he is trying to distance himself from me but I don't know why. What have I done to upset him to such a degree? For this new year, I will give even more effort to gain his affection!

After reading this, Honoria began to skip a lot of entries before landing upon one filled with tears and ink smudges. She was pretty emotional when she wrote this; as such, she took a deep breath before reading the contents, fully aware of what it contained.

February 2nd, 1419. I had a massive fight with Berengar today; I don't even know why we were arguing. He has been so distant lately that it is breaking my heart. I tried to tell him how I felt, but it just came out wrong.

I ended up saying some profoundly personal and hurtful things. At the end of it, he simply glared at me with eyes of fury that I did not know he possessed. Afterward, he sent me to my room to think over my actions. Where did it all go wrong? Is this my fault for not being honest with him?

After reading this, Honoria sighed and skipped through multiple entries. The relationship between her and Berengar only seemed to get worse as she flipped through the pages until she landed on yet another tear-stained entry.

June 6th, 1419. Berengar has canceled our trip to Istria, and by canceled, I mean he has chosen not to go with me. Instead, he is tasking my protection to his guards. It seems he wants little to do with me at the moment. I don't know what is causing this rift, but I suspect it is my fault.

I need some fresh air and a new perspective. Being cooped up in Kufstein all this time is starting to get to my head. This trip will be good for me; even if Berengar is not coming, it should give me some time to think about everything that has gone wrong this past year.

After reading this, Honoria smiled for a moment reflecting on the beautiful memories she made on the journey she had taken; she flipped the page and found her smile continuing to grow as she wrote about her trip abroad.

July 27th, 1419. It has been almost a month since I last saw Berengar, and I have made it to the shores of Aragon. The freedom of the sea and the experience I have gained by interacting with various cultures have given me time to understand myself and why my relationship with Berengar is so toxic.

Berengar doesn't trust me, I have been lying about my identity for some time, and he knows. There is no other explanation. However, this is not his fault; it is mine, and mine alone. My insecurities, jealousy, and lies are what have created this rift between us.

I do not doubt that Berengar's child with Linde is already born, and he is probably delighted right now. It would be rude of me to barge in at such a time of happiness. So I have decided to write him a few letters, informing him of my journey and progress. Even though I know the guards he has tasked to protect me have been already notifying him, I feel it would be best if he heard from me directly.

What we need now is space, so I will continue to write to him, and I will stay on my journey across the Mediterranean until I am ready to tell him the truth. Who knows what I might find!

The following entry that Honoria flipped to was stained with her blood. After reading through it, a smile formed on her face, and she reflected upon that fateful day that had filled her with dreams and determination.

September 3rd, 1419. Pirates have attacked my ship; luckily, the guards assigned to me could defend our vessel. So much so that we managed to board the pirate's ship and wipe them out! I was forced to take up arms during the conflict and have sustained minor injuries.

I have never felt so alive before! We plundered the pirate's cargo and stole the Caravel they used! It is mine now; I have my own ship! Maybe I will form a crew of my own and sail across the sea, targeting pirates and brigands for their ill-gotten gains!

I must thank Berengar for all the training he provided to me; I likely would have died in the conflict if not for him. I think I am ready to return home. Home? Is Kufstein my home now? I don't even know the answer to that anymore; all I understand is that I have matured on this journey and now know what I want in this life.

After reading this, Honoria turned the page; this entry was blank; she had not journaled since the moment she decided to return home. Now that she was in Kufstein, she felt it was the perfect time to get her thoughts into place. As such she dipped her quill into ink before writing the newest passage to her diary.

September 15th, 1419. Over a year has passed since I first arrived in Kufstein; I can honestly say that even though there were times where I was miserable, it was a far better experience than being locked up in Constantinople.

I did not have the chance to meet with Berengar long enough to express my thoughts to him upon my return. However, he seemed to be generally happy that I was back. Considering we left on such bad terms, I was slightly afraid he would still be mad at me.

A little break is all that we needed, and some time to clear our heads. However, I am ready now; I will tell him everything there is to know about me tomorrow. I will be frank about who I am, where I come from, what I have become under his tutelage, and what it is I desire in life.

To be honest, I am quite frightened, but I will no longer live in fear of rejection; if Berengar accepts me, it will be for who I am! I am no longer that scared little Princess locked away in her father's palace. I am a sailor, an adventurer, and if Berengar thinks he can keep me locked up in his castle, like an obedient little princess, he is dead wrong.

The worst thing that could happen is Berengar rejects me; if he does, I will pay him back for his kindness with the wealth I have gained from the pirates and set sail for unknown destinations. I have no idea what crew I will form or how I will go about it, yet I know in my heart that adventure and glory wait for me!

After writing this, Honoria allowed the ink to settle before closing the diary and locking it shut. After doing so, she placed it within her underwear drawer and lay down on her bed. She would need a good night's rest if she were to talk with Berengar tomorrow about everything she had come to realize over these past few months.